Many of us struggle through everyday life.
We have good days, so-so days, and occasionally bad days.
Several people I know are dealing with health problems, money problems, relation problems or a combination of these. Layered upon our individual challenges are the issues of climate change, crime, war, and a teetering economy. We live with these problems hovering above like a dark cumulus cloud.
Our internal clock due to technology has sped up our brains and emotions and the result is often a compulsion for instant gratification, resulting in impatience, anger, frustration and a quicker arrival to the fight or flight parts of our brain.
Slowing down your thought processes and keeping one’s emotions intact requires discipline and developing the capacity to stop, breathe and think before reacting.
In a Time magazine article, “Why we are losing the Internet to the Culture of Hate, by Joel Stein, he wrote; “Now, if you need help improving your upload speeds the web is eager to help with technical details, but if you tell it you’re struggling with depression it will try to goad you into killing yourself. Psychologists call this the online disinhibition effect, in which factors like anonymity, invisibility, a lack of authority and not communicating in real time strip away the mores society spent millennia building. And it is seeping from our smartphones into every aspect of our lives.”
Not only have our internal clocks sped up, but technology is also bringing out the worst in people.
In a 2014 paper titled “Trolls Just Want to Have Fun,” three psychologists studied the behavior of people who enjoy posting negative and purposefully hurtful material on the internet. The researchers found that trolling correlated with malign personality traits such as psychopathy, socio-pathic behavior and bullying. Anyone who has participated on an internet message board or Twitter knows instinctively when these folks have arrived.
But paradoxically, the way out of these negative loops is to turn the other cheek and respond with kindness.
Research by social scientists bears this out; the kinder one is, the happier they are and the better their well-being. Those who try to live their life with pro-active acts of random kindness gain entry to a happier and more fulfilling life. The highest level of acts of kindness are those done anonymously; without fanfare or the attaboy pat on the back.
The goal for all of us is to be happy, but being happy does not come without effort. Often our internal controls conflict with external events. Practicing kindness is easy when things are going well but extremely challenging because often it is counter-intuitive to our innate reaction to being cut off in traffic, treated rudely in a store or restaurant or trying to navigate the maze of a company’s customer service department. Usually, our first instinct when insulted or treated in a manner that marginalizes us is to strike back with negative actions of our own.
But often these actions are unsatisfying and self-defeating. Such actions serve to create a negative cycle that accelerates the type of behavior that leaves us unhappy. The kinder you are, the happier you will be, which in a tangential way demonstrates that kindness can be seen in a certain light as an act of selfishness.
As a person who has been known to have hair-triggered anger, I have spent the better part of the past decade trying to control my anger and not just control my anger but understand its origins. I have learned a few ‘tricks’ through years of trial and error to keep my anger in check and practice kindness.
When you feel, you are going to go off, count to ten and slow your breathing down. Then ask yourself what is really going on with the person who is driving six inches from the trunk of your car, treating you rudely or insulting you. People who drive aggressively, troll your posts or try and ruin your day may be dealing with problems far worse than you are experiencing. Something I learned in a wonderful book, A Course in Miracles, postulates that all actions are either fear based, or coming from a position of love. A secure person driven by love over fear usually does not feel the need to put down others to make themselves feel better.
One of the other most important lessons I have learned is to practice gratitude. The action of giving gratitude each day sets the tone for how your day will often proceed. Gratitude is the bedrock to both happiness and kindness.
Begin each day with the resolution that you will treat others with kindness. And it does not take much. Waving to your neighbors, letting a car into traffic, opening a door, smiling at strangers, and giving the occasional compliment to people goes a long way.
Disruptions are inevitable and we all back-track. But you can improve your happiness by minimizing interactions with people and situations that are toxic. Sometimes you must remove certain people from your life. Everyone comes into our life to teach us things and toxic people may end up being some of the most important teachers in our life. The trick is to understand the lesson but detach before their toxicity engulfs you. If your workplace is full of trolls, consider finding a new job. Examine your social-media involvement use and ask whether it passes the cost-benefit test for your well-being. You could visit a platform with kinder norms and a stronger moderator than the one you are on. Or you might have to say goodbye to certain websites altogether.
Be careful what you read and what you watch. The old saying; garbage in and garbage out bears keeping in mind. One of the great heroes in my life Jim Valvano said if you can think, laugh, and be moved to tears then you have lived a full day.
I always watch stand-up comedians or comedy movies before going to sleep rather than watching the 11:00 pm news.
Oh, and I almost forgot, every day hug your significant other and tell them you love them and every once-in-a-while bring home fresh cut flowers.
