Very few of us go through life unscathed. My wife and I are no exception. The longer you hang around this planet, the greater the chance that bad things will come your way.
I retired on the last day of 2019 and was looking forward to traveling, writing, and spending time with my wife. Six weeks later, the world shut down as all of us adjusted to sheltering at home. At first it was tolerable, but the novelty grew old fast. As we watched the COVID deaths mount and witnessed how the pandemic changed our world, COVID fatigue and depression set in.
As the calendar turned to 2022, most people were vaccinated, and things started to return to normal. Late one evening in February we received a call from my in-law’s neighbor that adult welfare services found my mother-in-law on the bathroom floor and her husband unable to help her. We arrived at the hospital at 2am as it was immediately apparent that they could no longer live alone.
As so many caregivers have discovered, the pandemic has had a profound effect on the healthcare delivery system. It was next to impossible and cost prohibitive to hire a person to care for them around-the-clock. With few options, my wife moved in to care for her mom and stepfather. She lived with them for ten months. Right about the time that we were dealing with my in-laws, my brother’s lung cancer took a turn for the worse and my other brother and I cared for him until he passed away in early August.
My wife and I talked on the phone every night going back-and-forth, trying to determine the best solution for her mom and stepfather. We realized there were no good options and decided to sell their home and have them move in with us. In early November they moved in with us. We thought we could care for my step-father-in-law Ray who was in the progressive throes of dementia. As Ray’s condition deteriorated, we were fortunate to get him placed into one of the finest nursing homes in the region.
After my in-laws moved in, I did not cope things well. I found it hard to get out of bed in the morning and when I was conscious, I was of little help to my wife. I had put back most of the weight that I had spent the past six years losing and returned to my habit of emotional grazing late into the night and then staying in bed the next day till noon. I complained that our responsibilities no longer allowed us to travel, go out to dinner, see a movie or all the other things that I thought we were entitled to.
Meanwhile my wife continued to shoulder 90% of the burden of caring for three people in their mid-nineties. I would bitch to her about our plight with a woe-is-me tiresome mantra. My wife, who is the very finest human being I have ever known had her own perspective. She said more than once; “Maybe this is the reason we could not have children. Now is our turn to care for others.” She believed that it was a privilege to care for the folks who spent their lives caring for us.” She has never wavered from this position and just keeps moving forward.
Slowly, I climbed out of my selfish slumber. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and stopped bemoaning that my “golden years” were being robbed and stepped up to the plate. I started visiting Ray twice a week and instead of resenting these visits, I stopped focusing on myself and focused on the man across from me who was slowly losing himself. I stopped looking at the clock and focused my attention on Ray. No matter how often he told me the same story, I listened, gave him a hug, and told him that I loved him.
My wonderful niece stayed with us from January till early October until she had to return home to deal with her own family issues. I now had the responsibility of caring for my mother-in-law on Sundays and Mondays, the two days my wife works. Instead of resenting this woman who lives in our house, I focused on the fact that this woman gave me the greatest gift of my life…………. her daughter.
My mom who is still as lucid at 95 as she was at 25, besides shopping and occasionally driven to doctor’ visits, requires human contact as much as she needs air, and she has correctly pointed out her two sons do not spend enough time with her. She is right and instead of resenting these visits, I have learned to focus on the gift that my mom is still around to spend time with.
These life events that I have felt were cheating me from the ‘benefits’ of retirement have slowly been replaced with gratitude. Gratitude that my wife and I can care for our loved ones. The secret that I almost missed is that it really is better to give than to receive.
It is in the giving that the soul takes flight. Taking care of those who need care is a gift that I almost missed.
